i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
