woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
