We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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