I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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