I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize