I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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