please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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