I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just high enough for therapy.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
