I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
