I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
