I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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