you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
