My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
