I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
