I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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