Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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