she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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