woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
