I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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