True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
