Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
