Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
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I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
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I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
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