It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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