I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
