Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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