i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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