He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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