I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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