Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
