My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
