hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
