Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The best revenge is premature balding
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
