My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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