but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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