508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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