last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
