so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
