Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
