my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
