What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
