if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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