He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
