Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Ambien. No doubt about it.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
