he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
