Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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