Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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