In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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