I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
