So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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