I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
True strength comes from lack of pants
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
