Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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