My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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