Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I party with great urgency now.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
