I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
