she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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