I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
