i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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