i jhust puked up my retainher.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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