I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
