you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
