Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
